Diamond Bracelet

A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a
beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends
over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up
right now.
                                                                            
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman
greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been
there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet?”

He answers,” Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to
shit when I tell you the price.”
 
 

Forwarded by: Jamie M.

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Think Before You Speak

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn’t say a word… he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, ‘I think I like playing with men’s balls’

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, ‘No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving right now’ she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
‘If you don’t let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

 


FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month- old daughter, she was clean.
Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said ‘No’.
I kept thinking
‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.’
Then I said,
‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’
‘No,’ he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, ‘Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

L AST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any!

We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’

Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn’t that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don’t really mean, so think before you speak

 

Forwarded by: Jamie M.

When the logo does not come out the way we wish :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forwarded by: Wifey

Photo credits: unknown

 

This is Pretty Interesting

In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to
beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have “the
rule of thumb”
——————————————-
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
“Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden”…and thus the word GOLF entered
into the English language.
——————————————-
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred
and Wilma Flintstone.
——————————————-
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
——————————————-
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
——————————————-
Coca-Cola was originally green.
——————————————-
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
——————————————-
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
——————————————-
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this…)
——————————————-
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
—————————————————————————————-

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
—————————————————————————————–

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000
—————————————————————————————–

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
—————————————————————————————–

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
—————————————————————————————–

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
—————————————————————————————–

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades – King David
Hearts – Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds – Julius Caesar
——————————————————————————————

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
—————————————————————————————–

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
—————————————————————————————

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2,
but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.
—————————————————————————————–

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
————————————————————————————–

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat
name requested?
A. Obsession
—————————————————————————————–

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
you would find the letter “A”?
A. One thousand
—————————————————————————————-

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
—————————————————————————————–

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
A. Honey
——————————————————————————–

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father’s Day
————————————————————
—————————–
In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase……… “goodnight, sleep tight.”

—————————————————————————————–

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which
we know today as the honeymoon.
—————————————————————————————–

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old
England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
“Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.”
It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”
——————————————————————————-

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill,
they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the
phrase inspired by this practice.
—————————————————————————————–

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
—————————————————————————————-

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
————————————————————————-

Don’t delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you
can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde

Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and
lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
—————————————————————————————-
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when…
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on
this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

Forwarded by: Bob

Logic Problem

Logic Problem:  One of the best I have seen.  See if you can figure it out.
 
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a ‘drop off’ (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra.  Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you . What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? 

 
For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star on the next line…






*Get your drunk ass off the merry go round*

Forwarded by: Jamie M.

‘Bout Wives

 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Henny Youngman

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”

Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton
Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”


Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH……AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!!!


__,_._,___

Forwarded thru: Tup-vians yahoogroups

Read It Or TRASH It…read til the end

CANCEROUS FOODS / PRODUCTS

INSTANT NOODLES


Dear instant noodle lovers,
Make sure you break for at least 3 days after one session of instant noodles before you eat your next packet! Please read the info shared to me by a doctor. My family stopped eating instant noodles more than 5 years ago after hearing about the wax coating the noodles – the wax is not just in the Styrofoam containers but it coats the noodles.. This is why the instant noodles do not stick to each other when cooking.

 

If one were to examine the ordinary Chinese yellow noodles in the market, one will notice that, in their uncooked state the noodles are oily. This layer of oil prevents the noodles from sticking together.

 

Wanton noodles in their uncooked state have been dusted with flour to prevent them sticking together. When the hawker cooks the noodles, notice he cooks them in hot water and then rinses them in cold water before cooking them in hot water again.. This process is repeated several times before the noodles are ready to be served. The cooking and rinsing process prevents noodles from sticking together.

 

The hawker then “lowers the noodles in oil and sauce to prevent the noodles from sticking if they are to be served dry. Cooking instructions for spaghetti require oil or butter to be added in the water when boiling the spaghetti to prevent the pasta from sticking together. Otherwise, one gets a big clump of spaghetti!

 

There was an SBC (now TCS) actor some years ago, who at a busy time of his career had no time to cook, resorted to eating instant noodles everyday. He got cancer later on. His doctor told him about the wax in instant noodles. The doctor told him that our body will need up to 2 days to clear the wax. There was also an SIA steward who after moving out from his mother’s house into his own house, did not cook but ate instant noodles almost every meal. He had cancer, and has since died from it.


Nowadays the instant noodles are referred as ”
cancer noodles “.

 

 
 

 

SATAY LOVERS (BARBECUE)

If you all eat Satay, don’t ever forget to eat the cucumber, because eating Satay together with carbon after barbequing can cause cancer.
But we have a cure for that… Cucumber should be eaten after we eat the Satay because Satay has carcinogen (a cancer causing element) but cucumber is anti-carcinogenic. So don’t forget to eat the cucumber the next time you have Satay’s.

 
 

PRAWNS (SUGPO) & VIT C


DO NOT
eat shrimp / prawn if you have just taken VITAMIN C pills!!
This will cause you to DIE in ARSENIC (As) toxication within HOURS!!

 
 

PORK AWARENESS

Try this and see whether the pork you bought has worms. There goes with your “Bak Kut Teh” for those who love it. Most men love to eat this so watch out before it’s too late. If you pours Coke (yes, the soda) on a slab of pork, wait a little while, you will SEE WORMS crawl out of it. A message from the Health Corporation of Singapore about the bad effects of pork consumption. Pig’s bodies contain MANY TOXINS, WORM and LATENT DISEASES.

 
 

 


 

Although some of these infestations are harboured in other animals, modern veterinarians say that pigs are far MORE PREDISPOSED to these illnesses than other animals. This could be because PIGS like to SCAVENGE and will eat ANY kind of food, INCLUDING dead insects, worms, rotting carcasses, excreta including their own, garbage, and other pigs. INFLUENZA (flu) is one of the MOST famous illnesses which pigs share with humans. This illness is harboured in the LUNGS of pigs during the summer months and tends to affect pigs and human in the cooler months.

 

Sausage contains bits of pigs’ lungs, so those who EAT pork sausage tend to SUFFER MORE during EPIDEMICS of INFLUENZA. Pig meat contains EXCESSIVE quantities of HISTAMINE and IMIDAZOLE compounds, which can lead to ITCHING and INFLAMMATION; GROWTH HORMONE which PROMOTES INFLAMMATION and growth; sulphur containing mesenchymal mucus which leads to SWELLING and deposits of MUCUS in tendons and cartilage, resulting in ATHRITIS, RHEUMATISM, etc.
Sulphur helps cause FIRM human tendons and ligaments to be replaced by the pig’s soft mesenchymal tissues, and degeneration of human cartilage.

 

Eating pork can also lead to GALLSTONES and OBESITY, probably due to its HIGH CHOLESTEROL and SATURATED FAT content. The pig is the MAIN CARRIER of the TAENIE SOLIUM WORM, which is found in its flesh. These tapeworms are found in human intestines with greater frequency in nations where pigs are eaten… This type of tapeworm can pass through the intestines and affect many other organs, and is incurable once it reaches beyond a certain stage. One in six people in the US and Canada has RICHINOSIS from eating trichina worms, which are found in pork.

 

Many people have NO SYMPTOMS to warm them of this, and when they do, they resemble symptoms of many other illnesses. These worms are NOT noticed during meat inspections.

 
 

SHAMPOO!!!!!!

Cancer-causing substance in shampoos. Go home and check your shampoo. Change before it’s too late… Check the ingredients listed on your shampoo bottle, and see they have a substance by the name of Sodium Laureth Sulfate, or simply SLS.. This substance is found in most shampoos; manufacturers use it because it produces a lot of foam and it is cheap. BUT the fact is, SLS is used to scrub garage floors, and it is very strong!!! It is also proven that it can cause cancer in the long run, and this is no joke. Shampoos that contains SLS:

 
 

 

   the new Hemp Shampoo from Body Shop etc. contain this substance.
 

The first ingredient listed (which means it is the single most prevalent ingredient) in Clairol’s Herbal Essences is Sodium Laureth Sulfate. Therefore, I called one company, and I told them their product contains a substance that will cause people to have cancer.. They said, Yeah we knew about it but there is nothing we can do about it because we need that substance to produce foam. By the way Colgate toothpaste also contains the same substance to produce the “bubbles”. They said they are going to send me some information.

 

Research has shown that in the 1980s, the chance of getting cancer is 1 out of 8000 and now, in the 1990s, the chances of getting cancer is 1 out of 3, which is very serious. Therefore, I hope that you will take this seriously and pass this on to all the people you know, and hopefully, we can stop “giving” ourselves cancer-causing agents.

 

Notice

 

Reduce the amount of tea you consume
 
 
Do not eat bread which has only JUST been toasted
 
 
Keep your distance from hand phone chargers
 
 
Drink more water in the morning, less at night
 
 
Do not drink coffee twice a day
 
 
Reduce the amount of oily food you consume
 
 
Best sleeping time is from 10pm at night to 6am in the morning
 
 
Do not have HUGE meals after 5pm
 
 
Do not take alcohol more than one glass/cup/serving a day
 
 
Do not take pills with cool water
 
 
Do not lie down immediately after taking medicine before sleeping
 
 
Getting less than 8 hours of sleep affects your health
 
 
People used to napping will not get old easily
 
 
If you can’t get do early morning runs, 5pm-8pm in the afternoon is a great time for jogging
 
 
When battery is down to the last grid/bar, do not answer the phoneThe radiation is 1000 times
 
 
Answer the phone by left ear. It’ll spoil your brain directly by using right ear
 
 
Do not use headphones/earphone for extended periods of time. Rest your ear awhile after 1 hour
 
 
Forward this to friends whom you care about.
 

 

 

Forwarded by: Joy