Sheer nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a
> sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several
> possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the
> more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the
> most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He
> presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it
> on, and model it for him.
>
> Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy ), ‘I have
> an idea. It’s so sheer that
>
> it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but
> I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep
> the $500 refund for myself.’
>
> She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
>
> The husband says, ‘Good Grief! You’d think for
> $500, they’d at least iron it!’
>
> He never heard the shot.
>
> Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

 

 

Forwarded by: Jaime

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Fw: JOKE TIME!!! (SOME OLD, SOME NEW)

 

Blonde Pinay   

A blond Pinay, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. ‘Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?’ The blond Pinay said, ‘How about pipty dollars?’ The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, ‘Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?’ The man replied, ‘She should. She was standing on the porch.’ A short time later, the blond Pinay came to the door to collect her money. ‘You’re finished already?’ he asked. ‘O-o,’ the blonde Pinay answered, ‘and I had paint lept ober, so I gabe it two coats.’ Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. ‘And by the way,’ the blond added, ‘it’s not a Porch, it’s a Perrari’

 

1-10   

Nanay: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang di mo kayang bilangin?
Anak: Mas bobo si tatay nay, kasi narinig ko minsan sabi, ‘tama na inday, hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko.’

 

Ano ang pagkain?  

Mister: Ano ang pagkain natin?
Misis: Nasa mesa, bahala ka na pumili!
Mister: Isang pirasong tuyo? ano pagpipilian ko?
Misis: Pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi!

 

Overseas Call

IDD call from US:
Husband: Hon, musta ang tindahan?
Wife: Department store na!
Husband: Ang tuba-an?
Wife: KTV bar na!
Husband: Ang mga tri-sikad?
Wife: Taxi na!
Husband: Ang dalawa kong anak?
Wife: Lima na!

 

Horoscope 

Sweethearts watchin’ the sky…
Guy: Ano ang horoscope mo?
Girl: Anong huruskup?
Guy: Yung bang kapalaran mo, katulad ko, CANCER.
Girl: Ah, sa akin ALMURANAS!

 

Almusal

Donya: Bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay alasais empuntu!
Maid: Walang problema donya. kung tulog pa ako sa oras na yun, mauna na kayong mag-almusal!

 

Nirape…

Maid: Ma’m, ni-rape ako ng magnanakaw kagabi…
Madam: Bakit di ka sumigaw?
Maid: Eh, akala ko po si Sir, pero nung makadalawa, nagduda na ako!

 

 

Mayaman – Mahirap

Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay kaming kumain. Ngayong mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
Pedro: Baligtad yata?
Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!

 

Pangarap

Toto: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
Juvy: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
Toto: Hindi! Yan din ang pangarap niya!

 

Dalawang mayabang…

Usapan ng dalawang mayabang….
Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
Diego: Alam ko.
Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.

 

Nitrates

A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student, ‘What are Nitrates?
The student replied shyly, ‘Ma’am, sa motel po. Nitrates are higher than day rates!’

 

Siling  Labuyo 

Ate: Musta date mo sis? Epektib ba payo ko, siling labuyo sa nipples mo para di ka galawin ng bf mo?
Sis: Hay naku Ate, palpak! Ginanahan pa lalo, eh, uragon (read: Bicolano) pala!

 

Madre’t  Sakristan 

Madre: Ano ang apelyido mo, iho?
Sakristan: Alam nyo na ho yun sister, lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan.
Madre: Susmaryosep! Bayag ba ang apelyido mo?!
Sakristan: Sister naman, Rosario po.

 

Katapusan na! 

Lumindol ng malakas noon…
Nagkagulo ang lahat at nag panic!
Sumigaw ang isang lalaki…’Katapusan na! Katapusan na!’
Sumagot ang isa pang lalaki….
‘Tanga! A-kinse pa alang!’

 

Utot

Pupil: Mam, bumubukol po ba ang utot?
Teacher: No! Definitely not! Kasi hangin lang yun! Remember, hindi bumubukol ang utot…
Pupil: Naku patay! Tae na to!

 

 

Sa  Airplane

Sa isang mumurahing airline…
Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
Stewardess: ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ lang po.

 

Walang  Syota

Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? Wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!

 

Sa  Isang  Ospital

Lola (may cancer): Doc, anong gagawin niyo sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo, lola.
Lola : Titi mo rin! Bastos ka! Walang modo!

 

Top One

Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Ba’t mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma’am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako!

 

 

Forwarded by: Joylyn

American stimulus plan reasons

Joe Smith started the day early, having set his:

 

 

alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 a.m.  While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ).  He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN THE PHILIPPINES ), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA ).


After  cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia ) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

 

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can’t find a good paying job in AMERICA .

Forwarded by: Bhong

 

Dilemma of Accounting in Filipino

ACCOUNTANTS (Pagtutuos), TAKE NOTE!!!

A bill filed by Sen. Lito Lapid asks that Proposed laws should be written in Filipino (Pilipino). Likewise, the official spoken language In the senate should be Filipino.

But I doubt this bill will see the light of day.

Read on to know why.

Ang Paggamit ng Wikang Pilipino

A young, good-looking representative from Laguna sponsored a bill Recommending the Filipino language be used in all Levels of accounting firms and Banking institutions. The solon claimed it will Provide a better understanding of the business transactions for Those who are inexperienced And non-English speaking citizens.

The bill received unanimous approval from the Hou se and was presented to the President for signature To become the law of the land. But in Spite of the overwhelming pressure from the members of The Congress, the President vetoed the bill.

Why?

She explained that when the English “business” words are translated in Tagalog, They sound very malicious malaswa) And are “nakaka-hiya at Nakaka-kilabot! ”

Very Manila High ang dating, I should say.

Here are a few sample words – English to Filipino

Asset – Ari
Fixed asset – Nakatirik na ari
Liquid asset – Basang ari
Solid asset – Matigas na ari
Owned asset – Sariling pag-aari
Other asset – Ari ng iba
Miscellaneous asset – Iba’t-ibang klaseng ari
Asset write-off – Pinutol na pag-aari
Depreciation of asset – Laspag na pag-aari
Fully depreciated asset – Laspag na laspag na Pag-aari
Earning asset – Tumutubong pag-aari
Working asset – Ganado pa ang ari
Non-earning asset – Baldado na ang ari
Erroneous entry – Mali ang pagka-pasok
Double entry – Dalawang beses ipinasok
Multiple entry – Labas pasok nang labas pasok
Correcting entry – Itinama ang pagpasok
Reversing entry – Baligtad ang pagkakapasok
Dead asset – Patay na ang ARI

 

 

Forwarded by: Terry

10 working tips for 2009

1) Do not get into trouble

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2)        Aim for greater heights

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3)        Stay focus on your job

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4)        Exercise to maintain good health

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5)        Practice Team work

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6)        Rely on your trusted partner to watch your back

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7)        Save for rainy days

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8)        Rest and relax

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9)        Always smile when your boss is around

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10)        Nothing is impossible

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Forwarded by: wifey

Dog for sale

Whether you own a dog or not,  you must
appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog.
Read the sales pitch!!!

Dog For Sale
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog.
Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
Most of them knew him as ‘Holy Shit.’

 

 

 

Forwarded by: Jamie

Position or Performance?

A Priest died and was awaiting his turn at Heaven’s Gates. Ahead of him was a guy, smartly dressed, with dark sun glasses, a colorful, silk shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God asked him: Please tell me who are you and what you did on Earth, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The young man replied: “My name is Pandu, I was a driver in Chennai !”

God consulted his ledger, smiled and said to Pandu, “Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ..

Now it was the priest’s turn.

The priest stood straight and spoke out in a booming voice: I am the Pope’s Assistant  and was the Head Priest of the  Church for the last 40 years.

God consulted his ledger & said to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven …

‘Just a minute,’ says the astonished Priest. ‘How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and I, a Priest, who’s spent his whole life preaching your Name &
goodness, has to wear these Cotton robes?’

‘Results my friend, results,’ shrugs God.

‘While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED.’

Moral of the story: It’s Performance that counts.

Forwarded by: Joylyn