Jokes to Offend Everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it’s worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can’t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

‘Are you sure it’s mine?’

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?

They named him ‘Sum Ting Wong’

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… ‘a recipe’.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time ..’ –

A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this s**t….

***

Forwarded by:  James Moffat in 2008

Deadly Virus Warning (Take Actions)

Important Information

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

 

Forwarded by: Rommel V.

How to maintain your level of sanity

 

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car beside road With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t DisguiseYour Voice. !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, (that’s cheques to us)Write ‘ ForMarijuana’

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-throughOrder Is ‘To Go’.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your FriendsYou Can’t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards theParking lot, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

It’s Called
… THERAPY

Forward by: Joy

Kids are quick

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:        
Here it is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS:         Maria.

____________________________________
 

TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’

TEACHER:  No, that’s wrong

GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.  

(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER:   What are you talking  about?

DONALD:     Yesterday you said it’s H to O.  
__________________________________

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years  ago.
WINNIE:       Me!

__________________________________________  


TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN:  
       Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you  are.  
_______________________________________

TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE:         I  is..

TEACHER:         No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I  am.’

MILLIE:          All right…  ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
     
________________________________

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.  
                     Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS:           Because George still had the axe in his  hand.
   
______________________________________  


TEACHER:    Now,  Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON:         No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.  
______________________________


TEACHER:     Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s… Did you copy his?

CLYDE :         No, sir. It’s the same dog.  
___________________________________

TEACHER:   Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher

 

 

Forwarded by: wifey

European English:

European English:The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was
the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in
plan that would become known as ‘Euro-English’.

In the first year, ‘s’ will replace the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of
‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’. This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ with
‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl .

 

Forwarded by: Julie Grace

Miscommunication

Miscommunication

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don’t have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled on it. I left before he finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.

  • Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don’t always come out the way you want them to……..

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)….

We all need to smile every once in a while.

 

 

Forwarded by: Joylyn

Technology vs. gut feel

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. …

Now give me back my dog.

 

Forwarded by: Jamie

The spoiled under 40 crowd

> If you are 40 or older you will think this is hilarious!!! !
>
> When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
> diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what
> with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning
>
> Uphill… barefoot..BOTH ways …Yadda, yadda, yadda
>
> And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in
> hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how
> hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!
>
> But now that I’m over the ripe old age of forty-five, I can’t help but
> look around and notice the youth of today.
>
> You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a
> damn Utopia!
>
> And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve
> got it!
>
> I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to
> know something, We had to go to the damn library and look it up
> ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
>
> There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a
> pen!   Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in
> the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10
> cents! Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As
> a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to
> kick our ass! No where was safe!
>
> There were no MP3’s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to
> hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
>
> Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’d
> usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!There were no CD
> players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and
> “eject” it when finished and the tape would come undone.’cause that’s
> how we rolled, dig?
>
> We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone
> and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!
>
> And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had
> no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your
> Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!!
> You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
>
> We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with
> high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
> ‘Space Invaders‘ and ‘asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You
> actually had to use your imagination! ! And there were no multiple
> levels or screens, it was just one screen  FOREVER  !
>
> And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder
> and  faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
>
> You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
> You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off
> your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! There was no
> Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.
> Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you
> spoiled little rat-bastards!
>
> And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had
> to use the stove … Imagine that!
>
> That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too
> easy.   You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back
> in 1980 or before!
>
> Regards,
> The over 40 Crowd
>
> (Send this to someone you’d like to make smile,Whether they are under 40 or not.)

 

Forwarded by: Jamie

Overdue

Mr. Khanna comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:

“I have great news: I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby!

The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”

The next day, Mrs. Khanna receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy because the electricity bill has not been paid.

” Am I speaking to Mrs. Khanna? ”

“Yes… speaking”

Reliance guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!”

“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.

“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the Reliance guy.

“What are you saying? It’s in your files …HOW?????”

” Yes ………… . We have a system of finding out who’s overdue ”

” GOD!!!!!!… …… This is too much…….. ..”

Madam, I am sorry… I am following orders…. I have to inform you are overdue”

“I know that … let me talk to my husband about this tonight. …. He will speak to your company tomorrow ”

That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.

“What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?

What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.

“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at Reliance, “it’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”

“PAY you? And if I refuse?”

“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”

“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.

“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.”

 

 

Forwarded by: Joylyn

Rules of Men

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys’ side of the story
(
 I must admit, it’s pretty good)


 

We always hear

‘the rules’ 
From the female side

Now here are the rules from the male side


 

These are our rules!

Please note… they are all numbered ‘1’ ON PURPOSE!


 


 

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1.    Learn to work the toilet seat.   You’re a big girl.   If it’s up, put it down.   We need it up, you need it down.   You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1.    Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.   Let it be.

1.    Crying is blackmail.

1.    Ask for what you want.   Let us be clear on this one!  Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!   Just say it!

1.    Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.   Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.   That’s what we do..  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1.    Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.   In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 

1.    If you think you’re fat, you probably are.  Don’t ask us.

1.    If something we said can be interpreted  two ways  and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 

1.   You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.   Not both.   If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 

1.    Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1.    Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1.    ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.   Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.   Pumpkin is also a fruit.   We have NO idea what mauve is.

1.    If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.

1.    If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


1.
    If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 

1.   When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really! 

1.    Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1.    You have enough clothes. 

1.   You have too many shoes.

1.    I am in shape.    Round IS a shape!

1.   Thank you for reading this.   Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that?   It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh. 

Pass this to as many women as you can – to give them a bigger laugh..

 

 

Forwarded by: Joylyn