I think we all know an Eric!!

I think we all know an Eric!!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door,

whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.As he was walking away,

I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong? He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’ Eric grinned…. ‘Haven’t you ever heard

of an ID ten T error before?
‘No,’ I replied. ‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard

 

Forwarded by: Jamie

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Things you should not find in your Garden

things You Shouldn’t Find in Your Garden:Bend Over Apples

image004

Big Hand Turnip

image005

Foetus Tater?

image006

I can’t believe this one!

image007

Um… Redskins?

image008

Peter Peppers?

image009

 

Forwarded by: Terry

What women want

Lesson to be remembered!!

This is quite interesting. ….
(To women) Please take time to ponder…..
(To men) Just enjoy the story……

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom..
The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man. And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but first he would have to agree to her price.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.

He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden.

But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life. And the reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered.

Arthur’s question thus: ‘What a woman really wants?’
She said, ‘A woman wants to be in charge of her own life.’

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth, and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom. And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen was sitting by the bed.

The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth become her horrible and deformed self only half the time, and be the beautiful maiden the other half.

‘Which would you prefer?’ She asked him. ‘Beautiful during the day …. or at night?’
Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,
but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!
Or,
Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day?
But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous moments with?

(If you are a man reading this…) What would YOUR choice be?
(If you are a woman reading this…) What would YOUR MAN’S choice be?
And Lancelot’s choice is given below…
BUT… please make YOUR choice first before you scroll down below… OKAY?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
H
H
H
H
H
H

M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M

Knowing the answer the witch gave to Arthur for his question,
Sir Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time..
Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now… what is the moral to this story?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The moral is…
1) There is ‘witch’ in every woman, no matter how beautiful she is !
2) If you don’t let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly !

So, be careful how you treat a woman and always remember:
IT IS EITHER ‘ HER WAY ‘ OR IT IS ‘ NO WAY ‘ !!

 

 

Forwarded by: Noel S.

BREATHING THERAPY for HEADACHE and TIREDNESS

Our noses have left and right nostrils. Are these nostrils having the same function for inhaling / “breathe- in” and exhaling / “breathe- out”?.

Actually it’s not the same and we can feel the difference. Accordingly, the right side represents the sun / “heat” and the left side represents the moon / “cold”.

When having headache, try to close your right nostril and use your left nostril to do breathing for about 5 min. The headache will be gone.

If you feel too tired, do it the opposite way. Close your left nostril and breathe through your right nostril. After a while, you will feel refresh again. Because the right side belongs to heat, so it gets hot easily. The left side gets cold easily.

Women breathe mainly with their left nostril, so they get calm down easily. Men breathe mostly with their right nostril, so they get angry easily.

When we wake up, do we notice which nostril breathes faster? Is it the left side or the right side ? If the left nostril breathes faster, you will feel very tired. Close your left nostril and use your right nostril for breathing and you will get refresh quickly

You can teach your kids about it. The effect of breathing therapy is much better for adults.

I used to have painful headache. While consulting a doctor, he told me jokingly,” You will be all right if you get married!” The doctor did not bullshit me as he had his theory and supported with testimony. During that time, I used to have headache every night and I was not able to study. I took medicine but I was not cured.

One night as I sat down to meditate, I closed my right nostril and breathed with my left nostril. In less than a week, it seemed that my headache problem had left me! I continued doing it for about a month and since then there was no recurrence of headache in me.

This is my own experience. I used to tell others who also suffer headache to try this method as it was effective for me. It also works for those who have tried as well. This is a natural therapy, unlike taking medicines for a long time may have side effect. So, why don’t you try it out?.

Practice the correct ways of breathing / “breathe in and breathe out” and your body will be relaxed.

Forwarded by: Joylyn

The seven levels of photographers

A Spiritual and Satirical Guide. I summarize this into 2 levels here.
© 2007 KenRockwell.com
(I’m using the Western convention of “he” to refer to both genders)
Artist: Top Level 7 (equivalent to “Heaven” in Christian mythology)
This is the highest level.
An artist fixes his imagination in a tangible form called a photograph. He captures the spirit of place or person, real or imagined, in this photograph and the viewer responds to this.
An artist is a complete master of his tools. When creating art an artist transcends common existence as his spirit flies up to meet that which he is capturing. He may practice and learn his tools while he is not creating, however when creating the camera becomes an extension of his mind. No conscious thought is expended on the technical issues with which he is a virtuoso while creating photographs.
To make a musical analogy, a musician may woodshed his scales, but when he’s jamming he’s not even thinking about fingerings. He’s lost in the passion of the moment.
Just like professional surfers who have a dozen boards or pro guitarists who have 23 axes, an artist may have a slew of cameras, each for a different purpose.
Likewise, other artists may only have one camera, or none at all. It just doesn’t matter.
Artists sometimes dress funny and tend to stay up late. They usually prefer to photograph attractive young women and are proud of it.
No one ever sees their work since they have crummy ability to promote themselves, and sadly, usually don’t even appreciate their own excellent work. Those that do drop down to Whore, which sadly and paradoxically means you will never see the work of a true artist unless you know one personally. Good artists are usually too embarrassed to show their work to anyone unless you are intimate with them, since their work is their soul.
Artists use any sort of camera, including pinholes and disposables, or 8 x 10s. They use whatever instrument they need to create what they want.
Whore: Level 6
A whore is an artist who sells his soul by accepting money or drugs for his art.
By lowering himself to this level his vision is compromised.
Why? Because when one depends on selling one’s soul to pay for one’s food and pad one does not screw with the program, which means that one does not try new styles.
If a whore’s work pays his bills after years of trying, it’s unlikely any whore will be open to trying new styles while he still needs the dough.
Artists with representation (meaning they are represented by a gallery or an artists’ representatives just as pimps do in the sex trade) may lose that representation if they change their style.
Therefore, art for sale from one person rarely gets better or different.
The style that sells is all a whore’s johns and pimps (representatives) want to see. See Barnbaum’s book on artistry. It is extraordinarily difficult for a successful whore to change styles once one has been accepted.
More about the whore class at level 10 here.
Amateur: Level 5
People who earn less than half of their income from photography are amateurs. This has nothing to do with the quality of their photography.
This person loves to create photographs. Good amateurs of pure spirit can transcend the other levels directly to being an artist.
People who shoot weddings and etc. on weekends as a side line from their day jobs are still amateurs; they just charge for their photos. And as you read here they may also charge a lot for their snaps.
Amateurs who think that better cameras will improve their photos are at risk of descending to the lowest level of equipment measurbator. Too many amateurs have been misled by camera makers into thinking that they need good cameras for good images. This thought is poison to creating art.
Amateurs who lose themselves in creating great images are set for a path of enlightenment.
Being an amateur is a good thing; from this level one can rise to the level of artist rather easily.
Amateurs almost always shoot Canon SLRs.
Snapshooter: Level 4
This is my mom and most people. These people want memories, as opposed to photographs or cameras.
Snapshooters who are graphic artists or otherwise visually literate people often make fantastic images that impress everyone. These snapshooters are artists and don’t even realize it. They usually dress better than the artists who think they really are artists.
Believe it: it’s the photographer who makes an image, not a camera.
Snapshooters use point-and-shoot and disposable cameras, which give the same excellent results as the Leicas, Nikons, Canons and Contaxes used by everyone else.
Professional: Level 3
A professional photographer is a person who earns his entire living (100%) from the sale of photographs.
Professionals do not create art for a living; they create images for commerce. They usually have some familiarity with the tools and can get out decent images, however they may or may not be able to capture imagination.
Of course professionals may create great images, but that’s on their own time.
Professionals spend very little time worrying about cameras, except when they need to get them repaired. They spend most of their time looking for work and pissing about how all the other photographers in town are dropping their prices.
Professionals spend more on film and lab fees each month than they spend on camera gear in a year.
There are no professional nature photographers. They all either have day jobs or make their wives support them.
Professionals shoot Nikon SLRs, Mamiya medium format and Calumet 4×5″ cameras. They cannot afford gear as good as most serious amateurs.
Unless you are a commercial photography buyer or know one as a friend you have not heard of professional photographers. The ones you may have seen in camera ads proclaiming that they use this or that camera are just spokesmodels.
Professionals don’t have websites and don’t put out technical newsletters. Those people are usually amateurs.
Rich Amateur: Level 2 
These are amateurs who, by having too much money, buy lots of equipment which can fetter their freedom of expression. They are mostly men, and many are old or retired.
Rich amateurs shoot Leicas, Contaxes, Alpas, Hasselblads and Linhof 4x5s. These are great cameras, but the results are the same as the Zenits, Pentaxes, Bronicas and Tachiharas.
Today they mostly shoot Canon 1Ds-Mk IIs, 5Ds or Nikon D2X.
These are the same idiots who bought the first 2.7 Megapixel digital SLRs designed for newspapers like the Nikon D1 back in 2000 just because they cost $5,000. They gave technically poorer results than the film cameras used by snapshooters. All because it’s expensive doesn’t make it good.
Bad rich amateurs think fuzzy B/W images of poor people are art.
Some rich amateurs fall into the bottom spiritual level easily because they worry too much about equipment, others go straight on to create great art since they don’t have any worries about equipment since they think they own the best. Oddly, few rich amateurs produce ordinary work. It either rules or sucks.
Equipment Measurbator: Bottom Level 1 (equivalent to “Hell” in Christian mythology)
These men (and they are all men) have no interest in art or photography because they have no souls. Lacking souls they cannot express imagination or feeling, which is why their images, if they ever bother to make any, suck.
These folks have analysis paralysis and never accomplish anything.
Does poring over a microscope analyzing test images have anything to do with photographing a Joshua tree at dawn? Of course not. Even worse, time wasted concentrating on tests is time not spent learning useful aspects of photography and certainly time that could have been better spent actually photographing. Test just enough to know what your gear can do, and then get on with real photography.
They are interested solely in equipment for its own sake. They will talk your ear off for hours if you let them, but as soon as you ask to see their portfolio their bravado scurries away, or they think you want to see their cameras or stocks. You can read why cameras simply don’t matter here.
Most seem to come from technical avocations, like engineering, computers and sciences. These people worry so much about trying to put numerical ratings on things that they are completely oblivious to the fact that cameras or test charts have nothing to do with the spirit of an image. Because they worry so much about measuring camera performance we have dubbed them “Measurbators.” Unfortunately, many of them wander into KenRockwell.com looking for information on camera performance.
Many of them also play with audio equipment, computers or automobiles. They enjoy these toys just like their cameras for their own sake, but rarely if ever actually use them for the intended purposes.
Younger ones play video games or engage in chat rooms and web surfing. Older ones join “camera” clubs. (You should join photography clubs, but never camera clubs or any clubs that try to score art, since art is entirely subjective and cannot be scored numerically.) Likewise, these people never create anything notable with any of this other gear either, but they sure get excited by just having, getting or talking to you about it.
The one type of gear these people ignore is the only type of gear that actually helps: lighting.
Someone with a decent portfolio is not an equipment measurbator. Someone with more cameras than decent photos just may be. People with websites teeming with technical articles but few interesting photographs probably are.
Do not under any circumstances deal with these people, talk to them, read their websites or especially ask them for photography advice. To the innocent they seem like founts of knowledge, however their sick, lifeless souls would love to drag you into their own personal Hells and have your spirit forever mired in worrying about how sharp your lens is. If you start worrying about this and you’ll never photograph anything again except brick walls and test charts.
These people are easy to identify. If you’ve read this far you’ve probably seen their websites. They always have lots of info about equipment, but very few real photographs. Beware of any information from any website not loaded with photography you admire.
Other people have other words for these people. This article here adds some more perspective.
I had to pull most of the photos of equipment off my site because these people were spending more time looking at my equipment than my art! The bandwidth for which I pay was being eaten up by these idiots looking at my lenses, instead of looking at the photos in my gallery which is the whole point of this site. That’s why all the stupid pages like this one are in yellow, so that their eyes hurt too much to waste too much time on the nuts and bolts.
Most people who waste my time e-mailing me with technical and equipment questions through this site unfortunately belong to this unenlightened bottom group. Almost anyone who actually worries about the level they occupy belong to the bottom. Many of these folks stalk the Internet, and spend hours getting off “contributing” to technical websites and photography chat rooms like Photo.netwww.dpreview.com and photocritique.net instead of making photos. The guys here aren’t too bad, and most of the Leica people here are just equipment collectors.
Online Expert or Armchair Photographer: Level 0 (these guys don’t take pictures so they aren’t a level of photographer.)
This level never existed before the internet, because cameras were never as exciting as sports cars or missiles for men to research.
This became terrifyingly apparent one day when I got an email from someone who didn’t think an example I posted of a sharp lens was sharp. I was confused, since it was exceptionally sharp, which is why I posted it. When I asked this reader “not sharp compared to what?,” he replied that it wasn’t as sharp as a different example of a different lens he saw posted on some other website.
Holy Crap! This was a guy who doesn’t even own a camera! He spends his time researching them and spreading his irrelevant opinions all over the Internet!
The Internet is ablaze with these guys. Forums and chat rooms are loaded with them. Photographers don’t have the time for forums. We have more photography to do than time to do it. See The Two Kinds of Photographers.
Photography was never cool enough before digital to attract men’s attention for no particular reason. Personally, the muzzle velocity of a Barrett 50-calibre sniper rifle is far more interesting to me than the MTF of a digital camera I’ll never use. If I worked in an office and could waste my employer’s time researching personal hobbies on the Internet, I’d rather look at pornography than research other people’s cameras.
This level has existed in the automotive marketspace forever, with young boys learning every possible performance specification of Corvettes and Ferraris. We boys start this more than 10 years before we can get a driver’s license, much less be able to buy our own Ferraris.
Boys love to learn about cars, guns, motorcycles and anything technical. I know I sure do. We men never grow out of wanting to know everything about everything, and telling you so.
Just because any car nut can tell you every possible performance specification of a Ferrari doesn’t mean he can drive. Most of these people live in places where they’ve never even seen a Ferrari, much less ever owned one themselves.
Today with digital photography, we now have the same lookie-loos researching digital camera specs just for the bizarre fun of it. Ignore them. They love to talk and research, but aren’t photographers. 
Forwarded by: wifey

The spoiled under 40 crowd

> If you are 40 or older you will think this is hilarious!!! !
>
> When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
> diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what
> with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning
>
> Uphill… barefoot..BOTH ways …Yadda, yadda, yadda
>
> And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in
> hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how
> hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!
>
> But now that I’m over the ripe old age of forty-five, I can’t help but
> look around and notice the youth of today.
>
> You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a
> damn Utopia!
>
> And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve
> got it!
>
> I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to
> know something, We had to go to the damn library and look it up
> ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
>
> There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a
> pen!   Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in
> the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10
> cents! Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As
> a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to
> kick our ass! No where was safe!
>
> There were no MP3’s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to
> hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
>
> Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’d
> usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!There were no CD
> players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and
> “eject” it when finished and the tape would come undone.’cause that’s
> how we rolled, dig?
>
> We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone
> and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!
>
> And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had
> no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your
> Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!!
> You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
>
> We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with
> high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
> ‘Space Invaders‘ and ‘asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You
> actually had to use your imagination! ! And there were no multiple
> levels or screens, it was just one screen  FOREVER  !
>
> And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder
> and  faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
>
> You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
> You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off
> your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! There was no
> Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.
> Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you
> spoiled little rat-bastards!
>
> And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had
> to use the stove … Imagine that!
>
> That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too
> easy.   You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back
> in 1980 or before!
>
> Regards,
> The over 40 Crowd
>
> (Send this to someone you’d like to make smile,Whether they are under 40 or not.)

 

Forwarded by: Jamie

Funny Church Bulletins

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

————————–

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

————————–

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

————————–

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

————————–

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

————————–

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

————————–

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

————————–

Forwarded by: Jing