Joke time with Aling Dionisia

 

Genie: Bibigyan kita ng isang kahilingan.

Aling Dionisia: Talaga?…gusto ko gumanda!

Genie: Buksan mo ang bote.

Aling Dionisia: At gaganda na ako?

Genie: Hindi. Babalik na lang ako. 

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– 
  
Pacman: Sabi ng titser ko, bakit daw ang eggplant walang egg?

Aling Dionisia: Sabihon mo sa titser mo, na pag me egg yun, turta na yan, TURTA! 

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– 
  
Reporter: Nguang nanalo ka Manny, anong pasalubong mo kay Jinkee?

Manny: Ibon syempre. Mahilig sya dun e.

Reporter: Ibon? Anong klaseng ibon?

Manny: Yung mga lipstek, pangmik up ba? Basta mga Ibon products! Yo know…

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– 
  
Dionesia: Doc gusto ko magpalagay ng breast.

Doctor (gulat) magpapasexsi ka na?

Dionesia: Breast sa ngipen ba. Paraumayos yun ngepen ko! Deba uso yon?

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– 
  
Pacquiao: Wala, talo ka na kahit anung gawin mo..

Hatton: Pagandahan na lang tayo ng nanay!

Pacquiao: Ah! Wala namang ganyanan. I mean you know…

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– 

Aling Dionisia: Inday, akina nga yung seeds ko.

Inday: Bakit po magtatanim po ba kayo?

Aling Dionisia: Anung magtatanim sinasabi mo? Nasisilaw ang mata ko kaya kailangan ko yung seeds.


———- ———- ———- ——— ——— ———-


Jinky:  Manny, kung magkakaanak ulet tayu anu magandang name?
Manny: Hmm. Eh di combine na lang name natin… “MANKY”……
 
———- ———- ———- ——— ———- ———-

Aling Dionisia:  Gusto ko naman pag
nagka-anak kayo uli ni Jinky, di lang pangalan nyo pagsasamahin. Dapat
kasali din pangalan ko.
Manny: Oo naman nay, kasu midyu mahirap yun.
Aling Dionisia: Hindi ah, may naesep na nga ako eh.
Manny: Talaga ‘nay? Anu?
Aling Dionisia: DIOMANJI (dionisia-manny- jinky)
 
——— ——- ——– ——— ——— ———

Pacquiao: Honey, buksan mo na yung sweets.
Jinky : Lambing mo talaga. mwah !! Nasan ang sweets honey?
Pacquiao: Yung sweets ng ilaw. di ako makakita… ang dilim!!
 
——— ——- ——– ——- ——- ———–

Si Manny Pacquiao tumakbo sa pagka-Congressman sa GenSan…
Reporter: Manny, anong masasabi mo sa peace and order sa inyong lugar sa .Gen San?
Manny: Ah, yun ba? uhmm…eh… ang masasabi kulang diyan ay….
Reporter: Ano..?
Manny: Ahh, kwan,…maraming Fish sa Gen San pero wala masyado umo-Order .
 
——— ——— ——– ——– ——– ———-

Freddie and Manny heart to heart talk
Manny: Pare, ba’t naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? Wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Freddie: Meron. .. Manhid ka lang!
 
——— ——— ——– ——– ——– ———

Noodle!!
Noodle!! Noodle!!
 – Manny Pacquiao sa Deal or No Deal 

——– ———- ——– ——– ——— ——–

Sa Las Vegas
Waiter: May i take your order, Madam?
Aling Dionisia: Soup
Waiter: Chicken, asparagus, noodle, fish or soup of the day?
Aling Dionisia: Soup drenks!
 
——— ———- ——— ——— ——- ——–

Sa isang Birthday Party
Aling Dionisia:   Blue!!!  Blue the Kick!!!!
  
——— ———- ——- ——— ——– ——–

You is!’ ‘you is! you is!’, sigaw ni Aling Dionisia pagdating sa Amerika..Andito na ako  sa ‘you is!’
 
——– ———- ——– ——— ——- ———-

Chavit:  Manny, paki – acknowledge naman si 1st Gentleman, late dumating.. ayun kadadaan lang sa tabi ng ringside.
Manny: I would like to acknowledge the ARRIVAL OF THE LATE 1st GENTLEMAN WHO JUST PASSED AWAY!!

 

 

 

Forwarded by:  Bhong

 

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Yaya strikes back

1. Yaya buys food at McDo..
Crew: “Dito niyo na po ba kakainin?”
> Yaya: “Puwede sa table?”
>
>
>
>
> 2. Kid: “Yaya look, boats!”
> Yaya: “Dows are not boats, dey’re yachts.”
> Kid: “Yaya, spell yachts?”
> Yaya: “Yor rayt, dey are boats.”
>
>
>
>
> 3. Woman carrying sick baby enters doctor’s office.
> Doc: “Bottlefed?”
> Woman: “ Brea – stfed po.”
> (Doctors squeezes woman’s breasts repeatedly)
> Doc: “Ayan ang problema, wala kang gatas, eh.”
> Woman: “Yaya lang po ako doc! Yaya!”
>
>
>
> 4. The eggs that yaya bought turned out to be rotten.
> She stormed back to the grocery and told the vendor:
> “Manong, ang baho ng itlog niyo!”
>
>
>
> 5. My mom asked our yaya to buy Inquirer and Star.
>
> Our yaya came back and said: “Ma’am, wala pong Inquirer
>
> kaya bumili nalang po ako ng dalawang Star!”
>
>
>
> 6. Yaya: “Huhuhu…”
>
> Ate: “O, bakit ka umiiyak?”
> Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”
> Ate: “Eh bakit ka ba tinitighiyawat?”
> Yaya: “Kasi po di ako makatulog sa gabi.”
> Ate: “O, bakit ka di makatulog?”
> Yaya: “Kasi po may pinoproblema ako…”
> Ate: “Ano naman ang pinoproblema mo?”
> Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”
>
>
>
>
> 7. (Earlier) Mom: “Yaya, lagay mo yung pesto sa ref!”
> (Later) Son: “Yaya, nakita mo PS2 ko?”
> Yaya: “Nasa ref, pinalagay ng mama mo!”
>
>
>
>
> 8. Just now my maid burned a hole in my uniform.
> I angrily asked her, “Paano mo naman nasunog to?”
> She answered: “Secret!”
>
>
>
>
> 9. After watching a movie, our yaya blurted out :
> “Ang pangit naman, happy ending!”
>
>
>
>
> 10. Sir: “Yaya, gawa mo ko ng kape. Yung decaf ha!”
> Yaya: “Siyempre naman, alangan namang de-baso!”
>
>
>
>
> 11. Mom: “Yaya, magluto ka na pag-alis ko ha!”
> Yaya: “Ano po lulutuin ko?”
> Mom: “It’s up to you.”
> (During dinner) Mom: “Yaya, bakit ketsup at tuyo ang
> ulam?”
> Yaya: “Diba nung tinanong ko kayo kung anong lulutuin ko,
> sabi niyo, ‘kitsup tuyo’!”
>
>
>
> 12. Our neighbor’s yaya: “Junjun, chew your mouth!”
>
>
>
>
> 13. Our yaya sa sari-sari store: “Miss isang Coke in can
>
> at isang Sprite na Coke in can…”
>
>
>
>
> 14. SIR: “Inday, si sir mo to, nabangga kotse ko & I
> need cash!”
> INDAY: “Aru, dugo-dugo gang ka no?”
> SIR: “Gaga! Si sir mo talaga to!”
> INDAY: “Gago ka
> rin! Si sir ang tawag sa kin…kapkeyk…”
>
>
>
> 15. I once asked my yaya where the Netherlands is located.
>
> She answered: “Diba dun nakatira si Peter Pan?”
>
>
>
>
> 16. “O yaya, bakit ka umiiyak?”
> Yaya: “Ati, sabi kasi ng duktor, tatanggalan ako ng
> butlig!”
> Ate: “Eh yun lang pala eh! Bakit ka umiiyak?”
>
> Yaya: “Buti kung one lig lang, eh kung butlig, wala na
> kong ligs!”
>
>
>
> 17. We saw our yaya staring intently at the orange juice
> bottle.
>
> Sabi namin: “Yaya, anong ginagawa mo?”
> Yaya: “Shhh! Nakalagay sa bote, ‘concentrate’…”
>
>
>
> 18. Neighbor’s yaya telling her ward to climb down the
> stairs:
> “Down to earth! Down to earth!”
>
>
>
>
> 19. My mom was going to buy our yaya a transistor radio.
> Before my mom left the house, our yaya said,
> “Ma’am, ang kunin niyo yung Ilokano ang salita ha!”
>
>
>
>
> 20. We paid for the tuition fee of our yaya’s son.
> So one day I was reviewing him: “The Earth is the 3rd
> planet from the sun.
>
> Ano ang katabi ng Mercury?” His mom, our yaya, answered:
>
>
> “Parang Watson’s yata…”
>
>
>
> 21.. Sir: “Yaya, natanggal mo yung mantsa sa barong ko?”
>
> Yaya: “Opo! Tanggal na tanggal!”
> Sir: “Good! Anong pinang-tanggal mo?”
> Yaya: “Gunting, kuya! Gunting!”
>
>
>
>
> 22. Yaya to tricycle driver: “Magkano sa City Hall?”
> Driver: “Ikaw lang?” Yaya: “Ay bakit, hindi ka
> sasama?”
>
>
>
>
> 23. (Si Kuya pumasok sa kuwarto ni Yaya)
> Kuya: “Yaya…”
> Yaya: “Koya, wag po! Wag Pooooo!”
> Kuya: “Gaga! Uutusan lang kita!”
> Yaya: “Si Koya naman…nagsa-suggest lang…”
>
>
>
>
> 24. Kid: “Yaya, spell orange?”
> Yaya: “Depende. Yung kulay o yung prutas?”
>
>
>
>
> 25. Midget Yaya who was newly hired:
> “Suwerte po kayo, ako ang napili niyo.
> At least kung maibagsak ko si baby, mababa lang!”
>
>
>
>
> 26. Yaya to my brother: “Nag tothbrush ka na ng ipin?”
>
> Bro: “Siyempre, alangan namang mag toothbrush ako ng
> kilikili!”
>
>
>
>
> 27. (after being scolded for breaking her promises):
> “Ma’am, hindi na po ako mangangako ulit…promise!”
>
>
>
>
> 28. We had a yaya who claimed she was being courted by a
> kapre
> in her province and wanted to take her to his kingdom.
> Her reason for turning down the offer to be his queen?
> “Kapre yun ma’am, malaki ang kwan
> nun! Wag na uy!”
>
>
>
> 29. AMO: “Bakit namatay ang aso?”
> MAID: “Pinaliguan ko po ng laundry soap.”
> AMO: “Nakamamatay ba yun?”
>
> MAID: “Ewan ko nga po eh, pag-off ko ng washing machine
> patay na.”
>
>
>
>
> 30. Amo: Yaya use COOLING PLACE in a sentence.
>
> Yaya: Sir! viry easy! iksample nagring yung phone,
> (ring, ring, ring,) Yaya answered, ” HILO , WHO’S COOLING PLACE?”

Forwarded by: Andrea

Fw: JOKE TIME!!! (SOME OLD, SOME NEW)

 

Blonde Pinay   

A blond Pinay, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. ‘Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?’ The blond Pinay said, ‘How about pipty dollars?’ The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, ‘Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?’ The man replied, ‘She should. She was standing on the porch.’ A short time later, the blond Pinay came to the door to collect her money. ‘You’re finished already?’ he asked. ‘O-o,’ the blonde Pinay answered, ‘and I had paint lept ober, so I gabe it two coats.’ Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. ‘And by the way,’ the blond added, ‘it’s not a Porch, it’s a Perrari’

 

1-10   

Nanay: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang di mo kayang bilangin?
Anak: Mas bobo si tatay nay, kasi narinig ko minsan sabi, ‘tama na inday, hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko.’

 

Ano ang pagkain?  

Mister: Ano ang pagkain natin?
Misis: Nasa mesa, bahala ka na pumili!
Mister: Isang pirasong tuyo? ano pagpipilian ko?
Misis: Pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi!

 

Overseas Call

IDD call from US:
Husband: Hon, musta ang tindahan?
Wife: Department store na!
Husband: Ang tuba-an?
Wife: KTV bar na!
Husband: Ang mga tri-sikad?
Wife: Taxi na!
Husband: Ang dalawa kong anak?
Wife: Lima na!

 

Horoscope 

Sweethearts watchin’ the sky…
Guy: Ano ang horoscope mo?
Girl: Anong huruskup?
Guy: Yung bang kapalaran mo, katulad ko, CANCER.
Girl: Ah, sa akin ALMURANAS!

 

Almusal

Donya: Bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay alasais empuntu!
Maid: Walang problema donya. kung tulog pa ako sa oras na yun, mauna na kayong mag-almusal!

 

Nirape…

Maid: Ma’m, ni-rape ako ng magnanakaw kagabi…
Madam: Bakit di ka sumigaw?
Maid: Eh, akala ko po si Sir, pero nung makadalawa, nagduda na ako!

 

 

Mayaman – Mahirap

Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay kaming kumain. Ngayong mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
Pedro: Baligtad yata?
Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!

 

Pangarap

Toto: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
Juvy: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
Toto: Hindi! Yan din ang pangarap niya!

 

Dalawang mayabang…

Usapan ng dalawang mayabang….
Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
Diego: Alam ko.
Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.

 

Nitrates

A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student, ‘What are Nitrates?
The student replied shyly, ‘Ma’am, sa motel po. Nitrates are higher than day rates!’

 

Siling  Labuyo 

Ate: Musta date mo sis? Epektib ba payo ko, siling labuyo sa nipples mo para di ka galawin ng bf mo?
Sis: Hay naku Ate, palpak! Ginanahan pa lalo, eh, uragon (read: Bicolano) pala!

 

Madre’t  Sakristan 

Madre: Ano ang apelyido mo, iho?
Sakristan: Alam nyo na ho yun sister, lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan.
Madre: Susmaryosep! Bayag ba ang apelyido mo?!
Sakristan: Sister naman, Rosario po.

 

Katapusan na! 

Lumindol ng malakas noon…
Nagkagulo ang lahat at nag panic!
Sumigaw ang isang lalaki…’Katapusan na! Katapusan na!’
Sumagot ang isa pang lalaki….
‘Tanga! A-kinse pa alang!’

 

Utot

Pupil: Mam, bumubukol po ba ang utot?
Teacher: No! Definitely not! Kasi hangin lang yun! Remember, hindi bumubukol ang utot…
Pupil: Naku patay! Tae na to!

 

 

Sa  Airplane

Sa isang mumurahing airline…
Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
Stewardess: ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ lang po.

 

Walang  Syota

Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? Wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!

 

Sa  Isang  Ospital

Lola (may cancer): Doc, anong gagawin niyo sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo, lola.
Lola : Titi mo rin! Bastos ka! Walang modo!

 

Top One

Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Ba’t mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma’am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako!

 

 

Forwarded by: Joylyn

Best Short Joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

“Mom”, he asked, “Are these my brains?”

“Not yet,” she replied.

 

 

 

Forwarded by: Mike N.

Tawa Muna

A Filipino, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol
which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime
they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: “It’s
my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of
you one wish before your whipping.”

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
“Please tie a pillow to my back.”

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to
be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said
smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.”

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also
led away whimpering loudly.

The Filipino was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the
Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from one of most beautiful part
of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For
this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Filipino
replied.

“In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not
20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also
very brave.” The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

“And what is your second wish, ?” the Sheik asked.

Filipino smiled and said, “Tie the Pakistani to my back” !!!

************ ****** The End ************ ******

“TEACHER: Class draw a fish..!
CLASS: Yes ma’am!
TEACHER: Pedro, why is ur drawing very dirty..?
PEDRO: Ma’am, bagoong po yan.”

“Pulis at Intsik:
Pulis: boss konting abuloy lang, may namatay na pulis.
Intsik: ako malaki migay amuloy masta alaw-alaw melon pulis paktay
oke..”

“PASYENTE: Dok. . . Ninenerbyos po ako! First operation ko po ito. . .
DOK: Alam ko ang nararamdaman mo. . .Kasi ikaw rin ang una kong
pasyente”

Tanga: kamusta yung exam mo.
Bobo: wala ako nasagutan, blanko yung papel ko. Ikaw?
Tanga: naku, blangko din yung papel ko, baka sabihin ni titser,
nagkopyahan tayo

“WIFE: maghiwalay na tayo!
MAN: ok,akin ang bahay!
WIFE: akin ang farm!
MAN: akin ang kotse!
WIFE: ah pero akin driver
MAN: pwes, magkakamatayan tyo, MATAGAL NA SIYANG AKIN!”

“Mrs: hoy!Tama na yang beer mo masyado ka magastos
Mr: Ikaw make-up mo ang magastos
Mrs: Nagpapaganda ako para syo
Mr: Ako umiinom naman para gumanda ka!”

“May bagong kasal:
MRS: Honey malapit na tayong maging 3 dito sa bahay
MR: Talaga honey? Pinasaya mo ako sa balita mo
MRS: Oo dito na titira ang nanay ko!”

REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na
po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na…
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: “Di Namin Alam ”

 

Forwarded by: Weng V (thru tupvians yahoogroups)

Chinese Proverbs

Virginity  like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who  run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who  run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with  hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish  man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright  organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who  walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok  .

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with  one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

Man who  scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*  ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who  eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball  is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties  not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does  not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who  put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who  fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take  many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who  drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who  stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who  live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~!  *~*~*~*~*

Man who  fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who  fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded  elevator smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Now  send it to 10 or more people.

Nothing  will happen but 10 people will be laughing

Forwarded by: Wifey

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