Irish Jokes

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.  His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.
  “What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
” Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
 That little shit, O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”
” That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”

” Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”
” That I did,” said Paddy.
“Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”

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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
” So,” says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
” Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
 I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“D id you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk.
“For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

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Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”.
” Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim.  But where’s my husband?”
” That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda.”  There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”

” I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Tim “How did it happen, Tim?”
” It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim.  Did he at least go quickly?”

Well, Brenda… no. In fact,  he got out three times to pee.”

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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’ Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, “ So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news .  My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
S he says, “That he did, Father.”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary? ”
She says, He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun…’

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AND THE BEST FOR L AST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either!”

 

 

 

 

Forwarded by: Jaime

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Beer Warning

WHEN YOU GET TO THE END, CLICK ON THE LINK FOR THE DEMO!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called “Beer”.

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large “kegs”.  Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.  A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach.  After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that “something bad” occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings, in a familiar scam known as “a relationship”.   In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage.”  Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this “Beer” scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up “Golf Courses” in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

Beer Demo

 

 

Forwarded by: Roman
 

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER

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“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel

shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in

the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink

this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be

shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this

beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about

my liver.” ~ Jack Handy

 

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“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the

morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ” ~ Frank

Sinatra

 

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“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time

with his fools.” ~ Ernest Hemingway

 

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“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”  ~

Henny Youngman

 

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“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”

~Stephen Wright

 

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“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.

When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go

to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” ~ Brian

O’Rourke

 

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“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

~ Benjamin Franklin

 

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“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind

is beer.

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the

wheel does

not go nearly as well with pizza.” ~ Dave Barry

 

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BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!

~ “Unknown”

 

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Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.

 

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To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a

can!!

 

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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of

Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the

Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went:

 

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only

move as

fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the

slowest

and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural

selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and

health of

the

whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest

members.

 

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as

the

slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills

brain

cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain

cells

first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker

brain

cells,

making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why

you

always

feel smarter after a few beers.”

 

 

 

Forwarded by: Wifey

 

 

Walking and Beer

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a

year.That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be an American, doesn’t it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forwarded by: Jamie M.