Pantanggal ng stress muna…

                        Misis : Darling, ano ang tawag sa isang asawa na sexy, maganda, hindi selosa, mapagmahal, masipag, mapagkalinga, masarap magluto?

                        Mister: Guni-guni!

                       

                        ***

                        TANONG: Paano mo sasabihin sa isang babae na mataba siya nang hindi siya mababastos?

                        SAGOT: “Uhm, excuse me, miss…Mang Tomas ba ang lotion mo?”   < oink! >

                       

                        ***

                        Aanhin ko ang napakalaking bahay, mamahaling sasakyan, milyun-milyong kayamanan, at masasarap na pagkain kung ang kapit-bahay ko ang may-ari ng mga iyun?!

                       

                        ***

                        Nanay: Ano ‘tong malaking zero sa test paper mo?

                        Anak : Hindi po ‘yan zero, ‘Nay. Naubusan lang ng star ang teacher ko kaya binigyan niya ako ng moon! Moon lang ‘yan, ‘Nay, promise!

                       

                        ***

                        Mga sikat na salawikain:

                        Better late than pregnant.

                        Kapag may tiyaga, good luck!

                        Aanhin pa ang damo…kabayo ba ako?

                        Do unto others, then, run! Run! Run!

                        Ang hindi magmahal sa sariling wika ay lumaki sa ibang bansa.

                        Ang lalaking nagigipit, sa bakla kumakapit.

                       

                        ***

                        Guro: Sino si Jose Rizal?

                        Juan: Di ko po kilala.

                        Guro: Ikaw Pepe?

                        Pepe: Di ko rin po kilala…

                        Guro: Di nyo kilala si Jose Rizal?

                        Pedro: Ma’m, baka po sa kabilang section sya!

                       

                        ***

                        Paano humamon ng AWAY ang …

                        BULAG?

                        Magpakita kayo mga Duwag!

                        DULING?

                        Isa Isa Lang! para patas ang Laban!

                        PILAY?

                        Patay kung Patay! Walang Takbuhan!

                       

                        ***

                        Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas, ikaw na sana ang bahala sa lahat-lahat. .. I LOVE YOU!

                        Wife: Tumigil ka! wala pang namamatay sa TULI!

                       

                        ***

                        Pedro: Pare balita ko bading ka daw. totoo ba?!

                        Ambo: Pare, Mga chismax lang ‘yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang magawa sa mga chenilyn nila…. chura nila! hmpf!

                       

                        ***

                        Boy: Di na tuloy ang kasal natin

                        Girl: Bakit?!

                        Boy: Kuya mo kasi eh!

                        Girl: Hindi no! Gusto ka ng Kuya ko!

                        Boy: Yun nga eh…gusto ko rin ang kuya mo!

                       

                       

                        ***

                        Juan: San ka galing?

                        Pedro: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.

                        Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?

                        Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh… Lumalaban!!

                       

                        ***

                        BALIW (tumawag sa mental hospital): Hello… may tao po ba sa Room 168?

                        Telephone Operator: Wala po, bakit?

                        Baliw: Check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga ako!

                       

                         

                        ***

                        Misis: lolokohin ko mister ko, magpapanggap ako na prosti dito sa kanto.

                        Timing (dumaan ang mister nya…)

                        Misis: Pogi! available ako ngayon, pwede ka ba?

                        Mister: Yoko sayo…kamukha mo misis ko!

                       

                        ***

                        Bigo ka ba sa luv? eto ang mga BEST partners :

                        Kuba: Mapagkumbaba

                        Pilay: Hindi ka tatakbuhan

                        Bulag: walang paki sa looks mo

                        Pipi: Hindi nagbibitiw ng bad words

                        Duling: Hindi ka hahayaang mag-isa!

                       

                        ***

                        American guy named Paul challenged a Filipino:

                        American: Use my name 4 times in a sentence!

                        Pedro: Paul, be carePaul, you might Paul in the swimming Paul.

                       

                       

                        ***

                        Quote for the Day…

                        Ang Buhay ay parang bato… it is HARD !!

                       

                       

                        ***

                        Love is a hidden fire, a pleasant sore, a soothing pain, an agreeable torment, a sweet wound, in short – a gentle death! Ang lalim! Grabe…! Dati Love is blind lang, eh!

                       

                       

                        ***

                        Mister: Di ko na kaya problema ko!

                        Misis: Hon, problema natin ito, tayo ang magkasama sa buhay, lahat ng problema mo problema ko… ano problema natin?

                        Mister: Nabuntis natin si Inday, tayo ang ama!

                         

                        ***

                        Kapag may kaaway ka, tandaan mo…dito lang ako… dito lang talaga ako…tapos dyan ka lang, wag kang pupunta dito! Baka madamay ako..

                       

                         

                        ***

Prospective Employer to Applicant: ” So why did you leave your previous job?”

Applicant: ” The company relocated and they did not tell me where!”

(joke pa kaya ‘to next year? *LOL*)

                       

                        ***

                        Juan: Birthday ng asawa ko…

                        Pedro: Ano regalo mo?

                        Juan: Tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.

                        Pedro: Ano naman sinabi?

                        Juan: Kahit ano basta yung may DIAMOND.

                        Pedro: Ano binigay mo?

                        Juan: Ha, eh di, …..  Baraha.

 

 

 

Forwarded by: Rhia

 

Logic Problem

Logic Problem:  One of the best I have seen.  See if you can figure it out.
 
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a ‘drop off’ (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra.  Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you . What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? 

 
For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star on the next line…






*Get your drunk ass off the merry go round*

Forwarded by: Jamie M.

Old Couple

An old couple was lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling a sleep, but the

wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, “You use to hold my hand when

we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand

for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.

 

A few moments later she said,

“Then you used to kiss me.”

 

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a

peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said.

“Then you use to bite my neck.

 

“Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and

got out of bed.

“Where are you going ?” she asked.

” TO GET MY TEETH ” 

Forwarded by: Joy