Pampalamig Ng Ulo

Misis :  Darling, ano ang tawag sa isang asawa na sexy, maganda, hindi selosa, mapagmahal, masipag, mapagkalinga, masarap magluto?
Mister:  Guni-guni!
***
TANONG: Paano mo sasabihin sa isang babae na mataba siya nang hindi siya mababastos?
SAGOT: ‘Uhm, excuse me, miss…Mang Tomas ba ang lotion mo?’

***
Aanhin ko ang napakalaking bahay, mamahaling sasakyan, milyun-milyong kayamanan, at masasarap na pagkain kung ang kapit-bahay ko ang may-ari ng mga iyun?!

***
Nanay:  Ano ‘tong malaking zero sa test paper mo?
Anak :   Hindi po ‘yan zero, ‘Nay. Naubusan lang ng star ang teacher ko kaya binigyan niya ako ng moon! Moon lang ‘yan, ‘Nay, promise!

***
Mga sikat na salawikain:
Better late than pregnant.
Kapag may tiyaga, good luck!
Aanhin pa ang damo…kabayo ba ako?
Do unto others, then, run! Run! Run!
Ang hindi magmahal sa sariling wika ay lumaki sa ibang bansa.
Ang lalaking nagigipit, sa bakla kumakapit.    


***
Guro: Sino si Jose Rizal?
Juan:  Di ko po kilala.
Guro:  Ikaw Pepe?
Pepe:  Di ko rin po kilala..
Guro:  Di nyo kilala si Jose Rizal?
Pedro:  Ma’m, baka po sa kabilang section sya!
***
Paano humamon ng AWAY ang …
BULAG?
Magpakita kayo mga Duwag!
DULING?
Isa Isa Lang! para patas ang Laban!
PILAY?
Patay kung Patay! Walang Takbuhan!

***
Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas, ikaw na sana ang bahala sa lahat-lahat. .. I LOVE YOU!
Wife: Tumigil ka! wala pang namamatay sa TULI!

***
Pedro: Pare balita ko bading ka daw. totoo ba?!
Ambo: Pare, Mga chismax lang ‘yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang magawa sa mga chenilyn nila…. chura nila! hmpf!

***
Boy: Di na tuloy ang kasal natin
Girl: Bakit?!
Boy: Kuya mo kasi eh!
Girl:  Hindi no! Gusto ka ng Kuya ko!
Boy:  Yun nga eh…gusto ko rin ang kuya mo!

***
Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh… Lumalaban!!

***
BALIW (tumawag sa mental hospital):  Hello… may tao po ba sa Room 168?
Telephone Operator:  Wala po, bakit?
Baliw:  Check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga ako!
***
Misis:  lolokohin ko mister ko, magpapanggap ako na prosti dito sa kanto.
Timing (dumaan ang mister nya….)
Misis:  Pogi! available ako ngayon, pwede ka ba?
Mister:  Yoko sayo…kamukha mo misis ko!

 
***
American guy named Paul challenged a Filipino:
American:  Use my name 4 times in a sentence!
Pedro:  Paul, be carePaul, you might Paul in the swimmingPaul.

 
***
Biyaya na makukuha sa Gulay:
AMPALAYA –  pampapula ng dugo
KALABASA –  pampalinaw ng mata
TALONG –  pampatirik ng mata
MANI –  pampatirik ng TALONG. Ay! nalito na ako.

***

Quote for the Day…
Ang Buhay ay parang bato…it’s Hard.***
Kapag may kaaway ka, tandaan mo….dito lang ako… dito lang talaga ako…tapos dyan ka lang, wag kang pupunta dito! Baka madamay ako.

 

***
Prospective Employer to Applicant: ‘ So why did you leave your previous job?’
Applicant: ‘ The company relocated and they did not tell me where!’

***
Juan: Birthday ng asawa ko…
Pedro: Ano regalo mo?
Juan: Tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
Pedro: Ano naman sinabi?
Juan: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
Pedro: Ano binigay mo?
Juan: Baraha.

 

 

Forwarded by: Romelee

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

 

 


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

 

 

***
What is a Yankee?


The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 

***


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?


The position of the dirt bag

 

***


Why is divorce so expensive?


Because it’s worth it.

 

***

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

 

Doughnuts

 

 

***


Why is air a lot like sex?

 


Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

 

***

 

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

 

 

***


What do attorneys use for birth control?


Their personalities.

 

***

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

 


10 years and 45 lbs

 

***


What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?


45 minutes

 

***


What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?


Through his chest with a sharp knife

 

***


Why do men want to marry virgins?


They can’t stand criticism.


***


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?


Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

***


What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

 


After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

 

***


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?


The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

***


Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?


Because they have cotton balls.

 

***


What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?


A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

***


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

 


‘Are you sure it’s mine?’

 

***


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?


Mace will do that to you.

 

***


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?


Everyone has the same DNA.

 

***


Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

 


Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 

***


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?


A different bar.

 

***


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?


They named him ‘Sum Ting Wong’


***


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?


A speech impediment


***


What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

 


A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… ‘a recipe’.

 

***


How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

 


Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

 

***

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?


A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time ..’ –

A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this s**t….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forwarded by: Jamie

 

Pinoy Excuse Letters

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country.

1. My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
(Hala! Sige. Silya elektrika at bitay. Sabay pa! O kaya niyo yun?)

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
 (Pag nag-absent pala papatayin ka…Baka may rabies…)
3. Dear School : Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31.32, and also 33.
 ( Aba grabe to. Nasa kalendaryo pa ang birthday ko kung ganon. Hahaha!)
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
 (Ano daw???? )
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of
  a tree and misplaced his hip.
  (Hanapin natin!)
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  (Bwehehehe..-. la ako masabi… Bwahahaha! Ganito kasi yan. Kinagat siya ni
   Lola sa noo sa gigil. Tapos nabali yung ngipin ng pustiso niya. Hahaha!!!)

7. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  (Buti pa veins niya. Close sila. Hahahaha!!!)

8. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  (Aah…..eh.-…i…..-ow….u..-..)

9. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
 (So transsexual pala si Irving ?)

10. Sally wont be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
 ( Ala e! Mabuhay ang Patay!! Mayroong Himala!!!)

11. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could
   not breed well.

  (Stud service ba yung school nya? baka gremlins  siya.)

12. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
  (Ay grabe! Iba na talaga ang mga kabataan ngayon. Hahaha!)

13. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
  throat,headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
  throat,her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasnt the
  best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around,
  her father even got hot last night.
 (Hahaha, telenovela..-. bow. Makuwento siya ha… Kulang lang sa pansin…)

14. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
  the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
 (Winner to!!!!!!!!!! Ang galing!!!! Puwede rin kaya sa office ito?)

 

 

 

 

 

Forwarded by: Wifey

 

Think Before You Speak

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn’t say a word… he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, ‘I think I like playing with men’s balls’

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, ‘No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving right now’ she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
‘If you don’t let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

 


FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month- old daughter, she was clean.
Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said ‘No’.
I kept thinking
‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.’
Then I said,
‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’
‘No,’ he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, ‘Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

L AST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any!

We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’

Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn’t that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don’t really mean, so think before you speak

 

Forwarded by: Jamie M.

Able2Laugh

 

*********************************************************
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules. “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for
all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined $60.  Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of  $180.
Are there any questions?”

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, “How much for a season
pass?”
*********************************************************

Grandmas birth control pills!

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life finally retired.  At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to
bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he
realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?”

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that
could possibly help you sleep!”

She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee.  “Yes, dear, I know
that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass
of orange juice that my 16-year-old-granddaughter drinks.  And,
believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”

*********************************************************

Dining with Dahmer

Jeffery Dahmer invites his mother over for dinner.

She says, “Jeffery I don’t like your friends.”

He says, “Then just eat your vegetables.”

 

 

Forwarded by: Joy

Like spam? Hate spam?

 

Pronunciation: \ˈspam\
Function: noun
Etymology: from a skit on the British television series Monty Python’s Flying Circus in which chanting of the word Spam overrides the other dialogue
Date: 1994
: unsolicited usually commercial e-mail sent to a large number of addresses

This blog is mainly all about forwarded emails coming from my wife, family members, friends and of course, last but not the least – spammers. These emails ranges from tips on health, safety, car maintenance & home care; Some are urband legends that by the power of the internet gets recycled and creates another wave of terror and sleepless nights to its clueless recipient; Others are jokes – both green or clean – and others are religious chain mails that threatens a gullible receiver of death or misfortune if not forwarded in 10 seconds to 10 contacts. And this is just a few of the emails I’ve received so far. In short this is a blog of emails on everything and anything under the sun.

More often than not, I become a spammer as well as I would normally forward emails that I think are good to my contact groups. Ti abi. The cycle never ends.

Nevertheless, I still think that not all spam are created equal. What is trash to me, may actually work for others. And so instead of deleting these mails, I’d bury them all here for others to read and learn.

I hope you enjoy My Spam Blog.

Disclaimer: As much as I value and protect copyrighted materials, most of the forwarded emails do not contain nor identify its original author. So if you think you own any of the materials posted in this blog, please inform me so I can give credit to you or if you want it removed, I will gladly do it upon your request.