Rules of Men

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys’ side of the story
(
 I must admit, it’s pretty good)


 

We always hear

‘the rules’ 
From the female side

Now here are the rules from the male side


 

These are our rules!

Please note… they are all numbered ‘1’ ON PURPOSE!


 


 

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1.    Learn to work the toilet seat.   You’re a big girl.   If it’s up, put it down.   We need it up, you need it down.   You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1.    Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.   Let it be.

1.    Crying is blackmail.

1.    Ask for what you want.   Let us be clear on this one!  Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!   Just say it!

1.    Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.   Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.   That’s what we do..  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1.    Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.   In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 

1.    If you think you’re fat, you probably are.  Don’t ask us.

1.    If something we said can be interpreted  two ways  and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 

1.   You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.   Not both.   If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 

1.    Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1.    Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1.    ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.   Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.   Pumpkin is also a fruit.   We have NO idea what mauve is.

1.    If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.

1.    If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


1.
    If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 

1.   When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really! 

1.    Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1.    You have enough clothes. 

1.   You have too many shoes.

1.    I am in shape.    Round IS a shape!

1.   Thank you for reading this.   Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that?   It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh. 

Pass this to as many women as you can – to give them a bigger laugh..

 

 

Forwarded by: Joylyn

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

 

 


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

 

 

***
What is a Yankee?


The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 

***


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?


The position of the dirt bag

 

***


Why is divorce so expensive?


Because it’s worth it.

 

***

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

 

Doughnuts

 

 

***


Why is air a lot like sex?

 


Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

 

***

 

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

 

 

***


What do attorneys use for birth control?


Their personalities.

 

***

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

 


10 years and 45 lbs

 

***


What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?


45 minutes

 

***


What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?


Through his chest with a sharp knife

 

***


Why do men want to marry virgins?


They can’t stand criticism.


***


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?


Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

***


What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

 


After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

 

***


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?


The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

***


Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?


Because they have cotton balls.

 

***


What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?


A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

***


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

 


‘Are you sure it’s mine?’

 

***


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?


Mace will do that to you.

 

***


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?


Everyone has the same DNA.

 

***


Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

 


Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 

***


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?


A different bar.

 

***


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?


They named him ‘Sum Ting Wong’


***


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?


A speech impediment


***


What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

 


A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… ‘a recipe’.

 

***


How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

 


Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

 

***

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?


A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time ..’ –

A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this s**t….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forwarded by: Jamie

 

Ladies Room

CREATED BY A WOMAN

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ‘ You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the
buttons on the wall.’

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn’t resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men’s restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff
completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

‘What happened?’ he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

‘The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.’

MEN NEVER LISTEN

 

 

Forwarded by: Ryan Val