Tawa Muna

A Filipino, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol
which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime
they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: “It’s
my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of
you one wish before your whipping.”

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
“Please tie a pillow to my back.”

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to
be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said
smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.”

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also
led away whimpering loudly.

The Filipino was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the
Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from one of most beautiful part
of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For
this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Filipino
replied.

“In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not
20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also
very brave.” The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

“And what is your second wish, ?” the Sheik asked.

Filipino smiled and said, “Tie the Pakistani to my back” !!!

************ ****** The End ************ ******

“TEACHER: Class draw a fish..!
CLASS: Yes ma’am!
TEACHER: Pedro, why is ur drawing very dirty..?
PEDRO: Ma’am, bagoong po yan.”

“Pulis at Intsik:
Pulis: boss konting abuloy lang, may namatay na pulis.
Intsik: ako malaki migay amuloy masta alaw-alaw melon pulis paktay
oke..”

“PASYENTE: Dok. . . Ninenerbyos po ako! First operation ko po ito. . .
DOK: Alam ko ang nararamdaman mo. . .Kasi ikaw rin ang una kong
pasyente”

Tanga: kamusta yung exam mo.
Bobo: wala ako nasagutan, blanko yung papel ko. Ikaw?
Tanga: naku, blangko din yung papel ko, baka sabihin ni titser,
nagkopyahan tayo

“WIFE: maghiwalay na tayo!
MAN: ok,akin ang bahay!
WIFE: akin ang farm!
MAN: akin ang kotse!
WIFE: ah pero akin driver
MAN: pwes, magkakamatayan tyo, MATAGAL NA SIYANG AKIN!”

“Mrs: hoy!Tama na yang beer mo masyado ka magastos
Mr: Ikaw make-up mo ang magastos
Mrs: Nagpapaganda ako para syo
Mr: Ako umiinom naman para gumanda ka!”

“May bagong kasal:
MRS: Honey malapit na tayong maging 3 dito sa bahay
MR: Talaga honey? Pinasaya mo ako sa balita mo
MRS: Oo dito na titira ang nanay ko!”

REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na
po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na…
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: “Di Namin Alam ”

 

Forwarded by: Weng V (thru tupvians yahoogroups)

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Pampalamig Ng Ulo

Misis :  Darling, ano ang tawag sa isang asawa na sexy, maganda, hindi selosa, mapagmahal, masipag, mapagkalinga, masarap magluto?
Mister:  Guni-guni!
***
TANONG: Paano mo sasabihin sa isang babae na mataba siya nang hindi siya mababastos?
SAGOT: ‘Uhm, excuse me, miss…Mang Tomas ba ang lotion mo?’

***
Aanhin ko ang napakalaking bahay, mamahaling sasakyan, milyun-milyong kayamanan, at masasarap na pagkain kung ang kapit-bahay ko ang may-ari ng mga iyun?!

***
Nanay:  Ano ‘tong malaking zero sa test paper mo?
Anak :   Hindi po ‘yan zero, ‘Nay. Naubusan lang ng star ang teacher ko kaya binigyan niya ako ng moon! Moon lang ‘yan, ‘Nay, promise!

***
Mga sikat na salawikain:
Better late than pregnant.
Kapag may tiyaga, good luck!
Aanhin pa ang damo…kabayo ba ako?
Do unto others, then, run! Run! Run!
Ang hindi magmahal sa sariling wika ay lumaki sa ibang bansa.
Ang lalaking nagigipit, sa bakla kumakapit.    


***
Guro: Sino si Jose Rizal?
Juan:  Di ko po kilala.
Guro:  Ikaw Pepe?
Pepe:  Di ko rin po kilala..
Guro:  Di nyo kilala si Jose Rizal?
Pedro:  Ma’m, baka po sa kabilang section sya!
***
Paano humamon ng AWAY ang …
BULAG?
Magpakita kayo mga Duwag!
DULING?
Isa Isa Lang! para patas ang Laban!
PILAY?
Patay kung Patay! Walang Takbuhan!

***
Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas, ikaw na sana ang bahala sa lahat-lahat. .. I LOVE YOU!
Wife: Tumigil ka! wala pang namamatay sa TULI!

***
Pedro: Pare balita ko bading ka daw. totoo ba?!
Ambo: Pare, Mga chismax lang ‘yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang magawa sa mga chenilyn nila…. chura nila! hmpf!

***
Boy: Di na tuloy ang kasal natin
Girl: Bakit?!
Boy: Kuya mo kasi eh!
Girl:  Hindi no! Gusto ka ng Kuya ko!
Boy:  Yun nga eh…gusto ko rin ang kuya mo!

***
Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh… Lumalaban!!

***
BALIW (tumawag sa mental hospital):  Hello… may tao po ba sa Room 168?
Telephone Operator:  Wala po, bakit?
Baliw:  Check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga ako!
***
Misis:  lolokohin ko mister ko, magpapanggap ako na prosti dito sa kanto.
Timing (dumaan ang mister nya….)
Misis:  Pogi! available ako ngayon, pwede ka ba?
Mister:  Yoko sayo…kamukha mo misis ko!

 
***
American guy named Paul challenged a Filipino:
American:  Use my name 4 times in a sentence!
Pedro:  Paul, be carePaul, you might Paul in the swimmingPaul.

 
***
Biyaya na makukuha sa Gulay:
AMPALAYA –  pampapula ng dugo
KALABASA –  pampalinaw ng mata
TALONG –  pampatirik ng mata
MANI –  pampatirik ng TALONG. Ay! nalito na ako.

***

Quote for the Day…
Ang Buhay ay parang bato…it’s Hard.***
Kapag may kaaway ka, tandaan mo….dito lang ako… dito lang talaga ako…tapos dyan ka lang, wag kang pupunta dito! Baka madamay ako.

 

***
Prospective Employer to Applicant: ‘ So why did you leave your previous job?’
Applicant: ‘ The company relocated and they did not tell me where!’

***
Juan: Birthday ng asawa ko…
Pedro: Ano regalo mo?
Juan: Tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
Pedro: Ano naman sinabi?
Juan: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
Pedro: Ano binigay mo?
Juan: Baraha.

 

 

Forwarded by: Romelee

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE…

 


…1950’s, 60’s and 70’s !!

First, some of us survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.. ( sioktong ang inumin)
 
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing,
fish from a can ( brand : ligo ) , and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
 
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints , pati na yung laruang kabayu-kabayuhan.

 
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, no
kneepads , sometimes wala ngang preno yung bisikleta.
 
As children, we would ride in car with no seat belts or air bags
– hanggang ngayon naman, di ba ? ( jeep )
 
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
( maykaya kayo pare ! )
 
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle
( minsan straight from the faucet)
 
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
Or contacted hepatitis.
 
We ate
rice with tinunaw na purico ( dahil ubos na ang star margarine) , nutribuns na galing kay macoy and drank sopdrinks with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight kasi nga ….. .
 
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

 
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
Sarap mag patintero, tumbang preso , habulan taguan….
 
No one was able to reach us all day ( di uso ang celfon , walang beepers ). And we were O.K.

 
We would spend hours building our
trolleys or slides out of scraps and then ride down the street, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .
 
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound,
no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……. ….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no

lawsuits from these accidents. The only rubbing we get is from our friends with the words…..masakit ba ? pero pag galit yung kalaro mo,,,,ang sasabihin sa iyo…..beh buti nga !

We play in the dirt , wash our hands a little and ate with our barehands…we were not afraid of getting worms in our stomachs.

We have to live with homemade guns – gawa sa kahoy, tinali ng rubberband , sumpit , tirador at kung ano ano pa na puedeng makasakit…..pero walang nagrereklamo.

made up games with sticks ( syatong )and cans ( tumbang preso )and although we were told it would happen, wala naman tayong binulag o napatay….paminsan minsan may nabubukulan.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mini basketball teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Walang sumasama ang loob.

Ang magulang ay nandoon lang para tignan kung ayos lang ang bata….hindi para makialam.

This generation of ours has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and managers ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the government regulated our lives for our own good.

and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?!

PS – The big type is because your eyes may not be able to read this…. at your age

ok lang ba?
pakipasa nga ito sa mga tunay mo na kaibigan para makaalaala pa.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forwarded by: Noel S.

 

 

 

 

 

Creative Pinoy Menus

Pinoys Favorite Food:
THIS WAS POSTED IN ONE RESTAURANT NEAR NAIA
AIRPORT,so, maybe next time you are around the area, you
may as well dine-in there, and check out their menu;

AS YOU GO ON, IT’S BECOMING INTERESTING AND MORE
FLAVORFUL!!! (This is based on true facts…)

1.  TAPSILOG – Tapa, Sinangag, Itlog

2.  LONGSILOG – Longganisa, Sinangag, Itlog

3.  HOTSILOG – Hotdog, Sinangag, Itlog
 

4.  PORKSILOG – Pork, Sinangag, Itlog

5.  CHICKSILOG – Chicken, Sinangag Itlog


6.  AZUCARERA – Adobong Aso

7.  LUGLOG – Lugaw, Itlog

8.  PAKAPLOG – Pandesal, Kape, Itlog

9.  KALOG – Kanin, Itlog

 

10. PAKALOG – Pandesal, Kanin, Itlog

11. MAALOG NA BETLOG – Maalat na Itlog, Pakbet, Itlog

12. BAHAW – Bakang Inihaw (akala ninyo kaning lamig ano)
 

13. KALKAL – Kalderetang Kalabaw

 

14. HIMAS – Hipon Malasado

15. HIMAS SUSO – Hipon Malasado, Sugpo, Keso

16. HIMAS PEKPEK – Hipon Malasado, Kropek,Pinekpekan

17. PEKPEK MONG MALAKI – Kropek, Pinekpekan,Monggo,Malasado, Laing, Kilawin

18. DILA – Dinuguan, Laing

 

19. DILAAN MO – Dinuguan, Laing, Dalandan, Molo

 

20. BOKA BOKA – Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape

21. BOKA BOKA MO PA – Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape,Molong Pancit

22. KANTOT – Kanin, Tortang Talong

23. KANTOT PA – Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit

24. SIGE KANTOT PA – Sinigang na Pige, Kanin,Tortang Talong, Pancit 

 

25. SIGE KANTOT PA IBAON MO – Sinigang na Pige, Kanin,Tortang Talong, Pancit – Take out

26. SIGE KANTOT PA HA – Sinigang na Pige, Kanin,Tortang Talong, Pancit, Halo-halo

27. SIGE KANTOT PAIBAON MO PAPA – Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit… Take out with Ketchup

28. PAKANTOT – Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong

29. PAPAKANTOT – Papaitan, Kanin, Tortang Talong
 
30. PAPAKANTOT KA BA – Papaitan, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Kapeng Barako

31. PAKANTOT SA YO – Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Saging + Yosi

32. PAKANTOT KA – Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong,Kape

33. PAKANTOT KA HABANG MATIGAS PA – Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Kape, Inihaw na Bangus, Maruya,Tinola, Ginisang Aso, Pancit

34. SUBO – Sugpo, Bopis

35. SUBO MO – Sugpo, Bopis, Molo 

36. SUBO MO PA – Sugpo, Bopis, Molo, Pancit

37. SUB O MO PA MAIGE – Sugpo, Bopis, Molo, Mais, Pige

38. SUBO MO TITE KO – Sugpo, Bopis, Tinola, Teryaki, Kochinta

39. SUBO MO TITE KO BILIS – Sugpo, Bopis, Tinola Teryaki, Kochinta, Bihon, Tawilis

NOW, YOU BELIEVE, FILIPINO CUISINE MENUS CAN BE SO APPETIZING, SERVE [SIC] WITH SIZZLING LIBIDO… ENJOY YOUR MEAL, BON APPETITI!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Forwarded by: Vhong S.

Pinoy Excuse Letters

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country.

1. My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
(Hala! Sige. Silya elektrika at bitay. Sabay pa! O kaya niyo yun?)

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
 (Pag nag-absent pala papatayin ka…Baka may rabies…)
3. Dear School : Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31.32, and also 33.
 ( Aba grabe to. Nasa kalendaryo pa ang birthday ko kung ganon. Hahaha!)
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
 (Ano daw???? )
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of
  a tree and misplaced his hip.
  (Hanapin natin!)
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  (Bwehehehe..-. la ako masabi… Bwahahaha! Ganito kasi yan. Kinagat siya ni
   Lola sa noo sa gigil. Tapos nabali yung ngipin ng pustiso niya. Hahaha!!!)

7. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  (Buti pa veins niya. Close sila. Hahahaha!!!)

8. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  (Aah…..eh.-…i…..-ow….u..-..)

9. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
 (So transsexual pala si Irving ?)

10. Sally wont be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
 ( Ala e! Mabuhay ang Patay!! Mayroong Himala!!!)

11. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could
   not breed well.

  (Stud service ba yung school nya? baka gremlins  siya.)

12. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
  (Ay grabe! Iba na talaga ang mga kabataan ngayon. Hahaha!)

13. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
  throat,headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
  throat,her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasnt the
  best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around,
  her father even got hot last night.
 (Hahaha, telenovela..-. bow. Makuwento siya ha… Kulang lang sa pansin…)

14. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
  the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
 (Winner to!!!!!!!!!! Ang galing!!!! Puwede rin kaya sa office ito?)

 

 

 

 

 

Forwarded by: Wifey

 

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